no roots does this to a person?

why is it so difficult?
it's like there is no one else..
every time I try to reach out and talk to some one,
I just can't.
'cause I know. No one even suspects that these thoughts exist.
every 'friend' is busy and caught up in their own lives,
in the same issues.
I try writing, but even then, hit delete..
because what's the point even.. of friends who can't meet you..
when you so badly need that.
and those beauties I keep dreaming of..
but never become real..

and I just wanna break free, runaway.
:'(
I wonder if I'll ever find someone else
who thinks like I do,
would be willing and happy just to uproot and travel..
who would fall in love.. with me,
and I, with that person.
and we'll just travel.
explore.
see the world.

I'm just so tired of being out of control
of not knowing what to do
of been so utterly unplanned
and confused.

I try to be positive..
but it just doesn't work..
and my heart hurts.
my body feels so weak
n when I walk.. it feels so aimless..
the same roads I always use..
so much monotony
maybe death is better?
I could be a spirit and explore the Earth,
the whole of the universe.
no danger.
just observe.
but maybe then I won't be able to feel anything..
no rain drops,
earthy smell,
or the sharp cold.

10 years is long enough.
and I really am losing hope..
I can't do this anymore.
7 billion people on this Earth..

there has to be others who feel the way I do..
there just has to be
:'(

One night I was travelling

I got a lift home, that's rare for me usually. So I was at the back, looking up at the sky and saw a few stars.
Somehow the thought that came to my mind was
"I wanna make love to the stars" and then I thought how romantic and beautiful it sounds, and then I thought "Let's make love to the stars"..?
Yep someone did come to my mind with that thought, but they seems like a myth.
A memory.
Emotions.
Not the person, but that moment.
I hope it's not something that I've read somewhere that suddenly popped into mind but something that's from me.

It never mattered.

It doesn’t,

it didn’t carry the same weight for both of us.

For you, it’s nothing but an almost daily requirement but for me it was special. For a person of habit, it’s nothing.

Wish we could dine and talk, spend the dawn of New Year together, count down and light spark sticks on a roof top, go to a park, to the beach, to that square, lie down together, watch the stars, the clouds.

I wish you would talk to me about your feelings more.. I asked but you didn’t understand.

The reality

Is it wrong?

Days flit by

Haunting memories

I miss breathing near your neck

I miss you adjusting my hair

I miss touching your face

I miss looking down in to your face

How foolish of me.

Undeniable emotional intensity

To be broken again and again by recurring memories.

In the saddest way

Everything I thought I am, I would feel

Turned out to not be mine

Shattered expectations

The only remedy I see is to flee and erase.

Tell me about you? please.

I have this humongous question.
Questions actually. Pretty much everyday for the last few months, weeks.. I wake up and I don't wanna get up. I simply don't have a reason. It's another day, doing nothing, in a place I don't wanna be in.

Maybe you are wondering 'so find and do something' or 'make yourself useful'.
I agree. I want to.
How would you?
I'm sick of the mundane routine. Everything. Whenever I try, all I hear is No. no this, no that, no for everything.

How do you find money to start something? For anything, art, craft whatever, money is required and I don't have it. The capital to start something.
The motivation. I know not how.
Help me?
If you are reading this, tell me how you keep yourself going?

Thank you :)

A cosy find : cocoon

Oh lovely day, hello.
ah and it was one of those days I ended up somewhere I wasn't suppose to, meeting people I wasn't suppose to, spending what I wasn't suppose to. :D yep I shouldn't feel so gleeful.

Anyways let me tell you about my find!
I was walking in one of those roads where the walls of each house is so high you wonder if any of the neighbors actually know each other. While walking I suddenly noticed a little place pop right out. It did pop, like just the previous minute it was n't there and then suddenly it was.

Yep I was heading somewhere, but turns out that place was crowded, so what should I do but turn and go back and in to this little pop up place.
Good thing too! it was so empty [maybe not good for the people who run it, but it was for me!] and spacious and so cosy and  lovely.
Unusually the whole front was glass, which I loved 'cause it's lovely to watch the world :)

Forgive me forever

forgive me forever..............

That's what I told him. That's what I asked him. In his innocence he asked why and I couldn't tell him.

The truth is I lived a lie for 8 months of the past year and I tried to tell someone. and recently I had to live that lie for a day. It scares me cz I know I have to hold the reins of my life and steer it and take responsibility.
the conflict between cultures.